Thursday, June 23, 2011

Learning

I had to learn how to change vent circulation hoses.  I had to learn to change the filter in a vent.  I had to learn to do trach care and how to watch for pressure sores.  I had to learn what was wrong when the suction machine is clogged.  Dennis has a suction machine because he cannot cough up stuff like we do.  So where his trach goes into his throat you have to hold a hose there and he coughs and it gets sucked through that hose into a suction machine canister.  If it gets clogged you have to figure out why.  I had to learn how to change a filter on the suction machine.  I had to make sure we had the supplies to last on all the machines.  I had to make sure all the meds were in the container for the right times of day.  This is not very much but trying to do this and work and clean and do yard work was a little overwhelming.  I had a great support system in Dennis’s dad and mom and my mom.  They helped me during the day.  I don’t know what I would have done without the friends and family we had.  But it still frazzles your brain.  To go to work and get out of caregiver mode into banking mode them to come home and get out of banking mode into caregiver and yard keeper mode.  There was no just Cheri mode and I missed that.  I didn’t get to come home at noon, kick back and watch my soaps with no one around and relax.  Once again, selfish? Possibly, but it was my feelings all the same.  I didn’t get to run and go to Alco whenever I wanted.  Or run and go to Enid on a whim.  Or even go see my daughter whenever I wanted to.  Now I had to make sure all bases are covered and I always, ALWAYS feel like I’m on a time limit. You feel like you are putting everyone out just to have one day for yourself and you feel like you have to justify having that one day off.  These feelings were hard for me to cope with because then the one feeling that was always lingering in the background, guilt, would surface.  It was just hard.


1 comment:

  1. One thing you told me once that I will never forget..."GUILT is from Satan!"

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