Friday, July 12, 2013

Quad Wife Confessions




I have a blogger friend named Dana Ritter who is married to a lower level quad and she married him after his accident.  They fell in love and are one of the most honest and caring people I have met.  Even though we haven't ever met in person there is a community of us caregivers who feel like we all know each other and we lift each other up all the time.  Dana's blog is called Love Like This Life and I urge everyone to visit her sight.  She recently did a post called "I wonder if I can do this forever".  They are young and if I were in her shoes I would wonder the same thing.  Being a caregiver is a difficult position to be in.  You are not the one who is in the wheelchair but, nevertheless your life has changed also.  She was very candid and honest in her post and she got an overwhelming amount of support ....except for one comment,  from a quad, and he was not very supportive and a little mean.  It hurt Dana's feelings as I am sure it would anyone's.  I knew going into the blogging world that you were not going to make everyone happy 100% of the time, but I knew I wanted to be honest and hoped it would help other caregivers with feelings similar to mine.  I am sure some people's opinions of me have changed, some for the better and some not, but that is Ok.  It was never intended to be a popularity contest, it was intended to give you a peek inside the other part of Spinal Cord Injury, to the person  that is grieving, hurt, traumatized, lonely, scared, and oh so tired.  The person that feels a little trapped that they can't jump into the car and go to the store on a whim.  They can't go shopping without being on a time schedule so you are never quite relaxed.  You can't see your family as much as you would like or go to every function without having everything prepared and ready.  There is no spontaneity.  But if you complain or feel sorry for yourself people are quick to judge because after all you are fine, it's your spouse you should be feeling sorry for.  Not only that but as a caregiver we are usually our own worst enemies.  We feel guilty so we stay silent or we just tuck those feeling away and feel resentful.  One of the things I miss the most was having my lunch hour all to myself.  How shallow!  I think the whole point of what all of us are trying to say is don't judge until you have walked a mile in the shoes.  I don't like it when people tell us we are such an inspiration.  If they could see us when we are so frustrated and sad and mad...  we are just like every other couple.  But Dana and Mike said something that rings true no matter what, we are a team and if you hurt one then you hurt the other and watch out!  Thanks for letting me vent, much love, Cheri

7 comments:

  1. When I was a nurse I worked in an oncology clinic. There was a patient who was always unpleasant when she attended. After one visit the nurse who had been with her throughout the appointment said that she had been particularly nasty to her that day. She was clearly very upset, but said she felt guilty for speaking out because the woman had cancer. The doctor in charge said: just because someone has cancer, it doesn't mean they were ever a nice person. With or without disease, I suspect this woman had always been mean.
    I read Dana's blog, and I think she simply gave an honest account of her feelings, and although the comment is removed, we know the gist of it, and it reminded me of the unpleasant patient. Maybe the man who posted it is a mean spirited person, with or without his disability.
    I do think careers are often forgotten, the general attitude being, think yourself lucky it isn't you with the disability. I don't think anyone should be made to feel bad because once in a while they want a little time to themselves.

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  2. Tracey has penned it beautifully, I cannot find a thing to add.

    Much love to you and Dennis Cheri - the "Team". You go girl.

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  3. Love your blog, Cheri, of your very honest and real feelings! Just want to thank you for sharing this, and know that it will help people to realize that it is okay to feel this way, and I totally agree, we can certainly be our own worst enemy where our feelings are concerned!

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  4. Your feelings are very much understandable and justified. Thank you for opening up and let us see that side of you. God continue to bless you and comfort you.Without you Dennis would be pretty lost I dare to say.

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  5. Comfortably, the news post is during truthfulness a hottest on this subject well known subject matter. I agree with ones conclusions and often will desperately look ahead to your updates.

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  6. I'm sorry ahead of time for saying this...I don't mean to offend, but you and Dennis are my heroes...As you know I have known Dennis all of my life although we were never friends when we were in high school..and I never knew you except through the bank...never ran in you crowd..I know this about Me...I could never do what you do and I could not go through what Dennis has gone through...He and I talk some now through online means and I have grown to like him and respect him...I like that you and I are very different and that we can argue, disagree and still be friendly...and again I'm sorry Cheri but I think that there is a special place in heaven for you...

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  7. I think your blog is one of your blessings! To vent to good.

    and I totally agree that one can't judge until they have walked in your shoes....Janey

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